Become an observer

Before we look at why, become an observer for a day.

Most parents hear "won’t follow instructions" and picture a child who is choosing not to. Even when that’s true, there’s a reason underneath it. There is always a reason. And once you can see the reason, this stops being a battle and starts being simple.

So here’s your one job before the next question. Give your child a normal, everyday instruction with three small parts ("put your shoes on, grab your bag, and meet me at the door"). Then watch the moment right after the first part, the little gap where the first thing is finishing and the second is meant to kick in. Not the start, not the end. That gap.

What happens there? Do they start strong and fall away? Are they gone before you’ve finished talking? Do they look at you like the words arrived in another language? Watch it two or three times today. Don’t correct it. Just watch.

Watching, before stepping in, is the whole skill. When you’ve seen it, come back and I’ll help you make sense of what you saw.